'The following audio artifact, uncovered during a research trip to Antwerp, Belgium, was subject to rigorous testing in the Safe Trip laboratory. The summary of our findings is as follows :
- Using carbon testing, waveform analysis, sample deconstructing and electro-acoustic offset subdivision, we were able to date the artifact to 1992.
- In a unique audio examination pioneered by our researchers, the artefact - a white-label vinyl record - was placed on a metal platter capable of rotating 360 degrees. When the item was upon it, the platter rotated towards the exact co-ordinates of ‘Sublunar Point’, the exact point on Earth where the Moon is at its zenith.
- Each of the eight musical works etched onto the record’s surface were extracted and examined note by note. Every note was logged to create a definitive sequence, which will be henceforth as the ‘Oracle Genome’. Cross-referencing suggests Deoxyribonucleic Acid matches with two related individuals and at least one other life form yet to be classified. Research into this vital area is ongoing.
- A group of 23 human volunteers was asked to listen to each of the works in sequence while we monitored their heart-rate, binaural responses and the width in millimetres of their pupils. While four of the volunteers for agitated and began sweating profusely, 19 showed signs of increased production of serotonin, dopamine and noradrenaline.
- Volunteers were asked to spontaneously shout out words and phrases while being subjected to the musical works. Curiously, a number of words, or combinations of words, were shouted by over 50% of respondents. These included the following: ‘Mount Void’, ‘Depth Probe’, ‘Dencity’ and, most bafflingly, ‘Amma’. We invite colleagues the world over to analyze and test this audio artifact further in order to increase our understanding of this mysterious and thought-provoking item.'